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Thank you to all of those who have just recently started following me (and to those that have for such a long time!).  I hit 102 followers this morning, thus hitting my 100 by 100 challenge (to get 100 followers by the time I hit 100 pounds down).  I'm still staying strong at 98.2 pounds down as of this morning.  I honestly thought it would take a couple weeks to get the additional 12 followers I needed and would take just as long to get that pesky 1.8 pounds off.  Well...the following part only took a couple of days so we'll see how long I can get that last pound off. 

I was really interested in Amy W's. vlog yesterday about our own self perceptions.  I realize that I have scale victories and non-scale victories all the time, but there are so many times when I still do see the same person that I was at 305 pounds.  It just amazes me that even after loosing close to 100 pounds I can still feel that way about myself.  Don't get me wrong, I feel like 500 gazillion times better than I did even just 10 months ago, both physically and mentally, I guess it just takes the brain awhile to catch up at times. 

Another post that caught my eye recently was Drazil's on the varying degrees of irrational anger.  I find myself these days becoming more passionate about things that didn't tend to bother me before or I guess never wanted to use the energy to get worked up about them before.  When I was 305 pounds, I found myself apologizing and blaming myself for everything.  I had never said "I'm Sorry" so much in my life than I had the last 3-5 years.  Looking back on it, I felt like because I was that heavy that I didn't really have any value or worth in what I said in did and that showed in everything that I did and said.  I never really stood up for myself or even just spoke up really in general because I felt like no one really cared what the fat girl has to say.  Who could value anything that came out of my mouth if it was blatantly clear that I didn't value myself?  I was miserable and again it showed in every aspect of my life.  It's so sad to me that I let myself get like that...not just getting fat but letting it affect my personality and voice that I had once valued so much.

As I lose more weight, I have quickly realized how much of the old me is coming back and that is more rewarding than anything.  I have so much more energy and don't want to stay in and hide on the couch.  I feel myself speaking up more and not apologizing for some of the things that I am passionate about (even if it is a dropped ice cream cone...Amy :) ).  I am getting back to the point where I feel like I have self-worth and value to give to this world and I love that....and won't apologize for it one bit.  Two of Drazil's paragraphs really stuck with me (Draz...I hope it's okay that I stole it because you have a better way with words than I do):

I seriously think that the thinner I get – the more life comes out of me. Okay that made no sense. I mean I think – when I lose fat and I don’t mean just physical fat – more of my personality comes out. When I lose fat baggage and get mentally thinner – meaning Drazil and all these mental epiphanies I’ve been having lately – that I literally feel more and everything is more profound.

Let’s face it – when I don’t feel good and I’m overweight and I’m not digging deep and I’m running around pretending everything is like Care Bear Land – I’m lying. I’m shoving down food and feelings and I’m living in a fog and 99% of the time, almost 24/7 – I am thinking about how I look, how I feel, how I wish I looked, how I wish I felt, why did I eat that, what is wrong with me, etc.? It consumes me – mentally and physically – and it leaves room for nothing else.

Those two paragraphs really hit home with me and really got me thinking about how I've been feeling mentally lately.  We focus SO much on how much weight we are losing, what size we want to get to next, etc. that I think we sometimes do lose focus on how much we really are changing on the inside too and that is such a big and important part of this journey as well.

Anywhoozle....Happy Hump Day everyone!  Here's to hopefully hitting 100 pounds down soon (how is that for not focusing on how much weight I'm losing!  ha!)  Oh!  And Jen...I will think about the 100 pound down Vlog.  I'm so nervous to do one and I don't know why!